The year has already advanced a week yet I’m still pondering over 2010. 2010 has been a year filled with making decisions and learning how to make decisions. It was also filled with distractions good and bad. I was left with several why’s that I couldn’t understand nor arrive at an answer at, which pretty much frustrated me because when too many things overcomes me, I stay confused for a really long while.
I’ve started acquiring a penchant for adding images to my blog posts since I attended a class on New Media in my current studies…mmmm but maybe not for this one. But I do digress.
Recently, I was at a small group retreat where we focused on reflecting on what we have learned in 2010. Since then, my mind is still pondering over some of the questions when perhaps I should be considering more of what is going to take place in the year ahead. The main stuff that was bugging me were the many why’s I was facing.
Particularly, I came this close to going full-time into theological studies and changed course to go into Communications at the last minute. There were several reasons but it suffices for me to say the decision came after a the-curtains-were-drawn-and-my-eyes-were-open-and-i-saw-light type of moment.
Those months of being single-minded about going into bible college were challenging and yet not without fruit. I do think that anybody who is serious about their own Christian faith can do some good in taking up a theological course at some stage. Through interactions with superawesome ex- and current theological students, I realised that what the church and popular authors (shall not name them) have indoctrinated me with, I now wonder if I really knew what I knew, or if what I knew, is really true. Through those interactions or perhaps challenges, I started wondering what I really knew.
If they got me started on having questions on what I thought I knew, I started having questions about everything I thought I knew.
What if, God, I don’t know what I know about You anymore? Will knowing and remembering that Your death on the cross redeemed us be sufficient to keep me going in confusing times as such? It suffices to say that it is His death and resurrection that kept my faith real.
It came to the point where I couldn’t care less about theological debates cos they just don’t matter to me and I was tired of people arguing. Isn’t there already a truth?
MK said that we Christians live in confusing times as opposed to first generation Christians (as in the book of Acts). ST said that it’s ok to leave questions unanswered sometimes – just remember to lean on Him and press on despite the lack of clarity.
Perhaps the beauty of these months of struggles, is that I learned to be more critical and discerning of what I read, yet hopefully not overly critical for the mere sake of it and to the state of being jaded. Instead of holding onto fixed answers of who I think God is, hopefully this will lead me to continue exploring and discovering who He truly is.