“Yes, to be vulnerable again. That is it.” Ade backed me up on that. I felt naked, exposed and even more vulnerable just thinking about that, and hearing an affirmation of what I just said. Do I have to?
Being vulnerable is what we have to be with our Lord. Having our hearts open to receive, to give, to trust and possibly be hurt. How else can we pursue Him with all our hearts, knowing that there is a place there deep within that only He can fill? But to be vulnerable with people? Fallen people? People who may claim to love me yet have the power to hurt me? Quite ready to faint at that thought to be honest.
For the past year, I’ve kept my heart guarded against people, possibly even my own friends, sharing only with the trusted inner circle (that still moves in and out and yes even that hurts). There are times whereby I realise I can’t even find somebody whom I can truly pour my heart out to and ask for prayer. Instead, I’ve been taking it all to my Father in heaven who hears all my words, my cries and woes. How I hasten even, before I share with somebody, fearing it be used against me at the end of the day, or lead to questions that I may not be able to answer, probings that may only re-evoke painful memories of the past. I’ve kept my heart soft and vulnerable only for my Lord. It kept me sane too; I didn’t have to deal with complicated relationships and friendships. And maybe that’s part of the beauty of our relationship with God – it is NEVER complicated but simple. Never easy though, in times where we cannot hear Him, but simple. I’m so comfortable where I am that I don’t want things to change! I don’t want my relationship with Him to be even tested or have anything else added to that perfect (to me) formula. That’s how it has been and this is where I am.
But I’ve been feeling the nudges to go beyond my comfort zone (nOooOOooO). And hey, I’ve learnt to be a ‘yes’ woman to my King. Who else knows better at the end of the day, right?
So Lord, I ask you to guide me in my steps. My baby steps of faith, Lord, as I walk courageously into all that You have in store for me so that I can serve you with all that I have, and fulfill all that You crafted me to be by Your loving hands. And as the enemy is ever prowling close, Lord I ask you to keep me even closer to You, a snug fit in Your arms, and never never let me go or allow me to be far from You. Yes, be my jealous King and Lord because I’m forever Yours. In the name of Your beautiful Son Jesus Christ, amen 🙂