I’ve had a blast this Chinese New Year, catching up with relatives, seeing my little cousins grow up, some to become real gentlemen, some to become monsters, and catching up with alot of my friends. It’s been a lovely time. I also spent 2 nights straight wailing my heart out to the Lord. Sounds like some highly unstable and volatile emotional wreck to me. Yet I know God is still putting me through His cleansing refining process. I just wish I knew specifically what it is. Because as far as I know, I’m still crying over how He allowed me to be hurt 2.5 years ago. And I’m still clinging onto a 2.5 year old personal promise.
I had a good time catching up with my ex work mates at CC and EC’s place. Their little girl is so adorable although not really so little after all when she’s already 12. Actually I had more fun playing nanny to the kids cos everybody was either gambling (as it’s a very common Chinese New Year activity here in Singapore) or uhh gambling again. Mahjong or cards. CC said I had to meet this guy. And for the record, EC is always trying to match me up with his fellas. And hey, at least this time he’s not a toad with yucky fungus toes. He’s actually good looking. Charismatic. Charming. Speaks well. Tall and tan. Nice smile. But super young (I think. But knowing EC…does he care??). EC has been trying to get us to go riding (in layman terminology: wakeboarding) for the longest time and that never happened. So when I left soon after the guy came, he text me saying that it’s nice to finally meet me after hearing so much about me. CC, didn’t you PROMISE ME you guys aren’t up to something funny? 😦
I’ll be honest and say it’s nice to get attention from the opposite sex. Especially since he’s not a toad with yucky fungus toes. But that night, I went home and cried to the Lord. I am so afraid of my own choices and I just wanna surrender alot of decisions surrounding my life into His hands. I asked this of Him before and this I ask again: to keep me from undesirable distractions. To keep undesirable men away from me. I’m scared of how people try to make decisions for me even as they try to nudge guys my way. Because I only want to focus on what He promised me. Because I cling onto His promise and I want to keep my eyes on Him alone. Because I know that when He feels I’m ready, He will reveal that to me in His own way.
Come to think about it, some people have been questioning me about my own interpretation of the personal promise. I don’t think I got it wrong, or did I? I’m still uncertain really but He did ask me to have faith for He will be faithful hence I’m reminded by this verse once more:
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart
And lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.”
So until the fulfillment of that promise, I know He calls me to wait, be patient and have more faith in Him for He honors all who loves and fears Him.