the only thing i post these days seems to be alot of old thoughts. and i realise that it’s usually upon hindsight that we get any insight at all about how God has been moving in our lives. we cannot see the present and we definitely cannot see the future and it’s only through an observation of the past that we can see how God has gently nudged us in the direction He intended.
this was written 5 months before i came to Christ and yes God was already moving in on my life. 5 months after, God allowed me to be completely broken, so that He could be the only one to restore me to wholeness.
date: 19 feb 2004
i went to church, poured my heart out and now i’m here at the airport simply trying to wear my thoughts thin so that i can go home, all drained and simply sleep. like a baby if possible. yesterday was a night of tormented sleep. just wanna stay in bed when i woke up too early and slept too late. but simply cannot fall asleep.
how do you trust. some guys you can trust instantly and some guys you need to learn how to trust them. maybe because of the way they are at times.
how do you live thinking that your bf is lying to you about his past? too macho to admit to stuff?
y’know it is very strange but i was totally down when i woke up this morning and got an email from a regular buyer of mine [and it’s not like we write very personal emails to each other. and if there is ANY WAY at all that you should find this, Chris, get in touch again :)]. she said this, amidst other payment stuff:
i hope you are well and happy. you strike me as that, not always happy but always able to find your blissful self back.
it’s quite surreal to get something like that uot of the blue when you kinda feel no where. as usual, can’t talk to BC or confront him about it because he is out there somewhere on exercise [make that military conscription here]…..i think God is trying to help me see a way, find myself, since the self is a construe of society, family, friends and magazines with photoshopped models right?
i just wanna fall back on Him right now and not have any cares at all. just let Him show me the way. i am at His mercy [yes you gotta be careful what you wish for truly].
every little decisions i make right now, even what food/drink to buy, is based on the subtle needs of my body nad soul and me simply trying to listen a little closer to what God has to say to me.