an old diary entry

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i was just cleaning out my drawers and found one of the first joint diaries that my galfriend and i share. we’ve been writing joint diaries for about 7 years already and even though both of us have our own separate lives right now and the tradition of writing in it isn’t quite as religious as i would like to have it, it brought back memories of our friendship and how we seem to love each other even more back then. i’d like to share some snippets of what i wrote back then cos i was actually quite amused about what i have written, shortform bad english and all. so here goes:

8 feb 2000
s*** i can’t sleep and i’ve got work later. i guess first day of work is always gonna be like this. anyway i really wonder about God. some people choose to call it the force but that’s stupid cos if you say God, everybody can identify with it. all is one. just a difference in names that’s all. as for my bro [i have this friend whom i call my big brother because he was precisely that to me, always looking out for me]. it’s about him being like the rest now [[ie becoming Christian :P]. when M asked me ‘what is your faith?’ at the very beginning [[of our meeting i think. it was the first time i met M], i knew my bro had ‘warned’ him about me. so i told him what he expected to hear – i’m here to challenge and question yours and my bro ws like ‘i told you so’ kinda thing, which didn’t make me feel exactly the greatest. plus he’s getting really different (ok not totally). he used to be into astrology. so i asked ‘so i guess you don’t believe in all that horoscope crap anymore huh?’ and he was like ‘not totally’ and that he thinks that things work out between 2 people who believe that they are compatible astrologically because they believe in it so much. it’s amazing how fast he changed. if there are Christian prophecies (like M mentioned though i was too tired to challenge everything), then it must be put on the same level as astrology isn’t it? also seen to be satan’s word? [[i can’t really recall what i was thinking but i had to laugh at this 7 years later especially since what i wrote no longer makes any sense] wonder if one day, bro will snap out of it and see what he’s landing himself into. i dunno for the better or not. since obviously he does feel that there is something wrong in the sense whereby he gets uncomfy when he talks about sensitive stuff like being really defensive about Christianity and about him trying to speak in tongues. maybe he too sense that it isn’t him. i dunno. there are certain Christians that make people avoid them. these are people like MM and now, my bro…why can’t they be more like JS and JC? i don’t wanna lose my bro to some brainwash stuff and i’m not condemning his faith but i do believe that there are alot of rainwashing that he has been subjected to and because of the nature of the church, it probably adds to it [[by that i probably meant by peer pressure]. i don’t want him to turn into a person who thinks that for any emotional imbalances, he’ll dump it on God and to speak about it. it’s just weird to me. and it’s precisely the way these people relate to one another. please stop me if i ever turn into one of them and start talking like that [[yeah i had to laugh at that one though i’m not sure to what extent do i talk ‘like that’]. it just all doesn’t sound all that real to me. like he’s really excited about all this and really totally wants to convince me. right. push me further away more like it and he ought to know that. i’s like flipping a coin overnight and i see the other side of him. like he likes this girl FY and he prayed to God about it and he feels better. maybe if i talk like that it might come out sounding more normal. i dunno. maybe it’s because i’ve lost the understanding of how his mind sees things. i’m blabbering too much on this issue alone man.

p/s perhaps it is also time to note here when i came to Christ, my bro fell out with Jesus, left the church and decided that the Buddhist way fits him better. somehow he felt jaded with the church and i cannot recall why. so it turned out that we switched camp and are still not on the same side. i could still recall when he was trying to share with me about the Gospel back then and i could tell him precisely what i felt was the right things to do and he would acknowledge with exclamation that those are very Christian things to say. maybe he was too much in a spiritual high and even i myself can tell you how dangerous that can be, spiritually – it’s hard to deal at spiritual low points and it’s easy to forget that God is really very real. i remember having this talk with him when i came to Christ cos i wanted to share it with him but i realise i couldn’t. and that made me sad. and now perhaps it’s right to say, i pray that everybody who truly loves Christ will stand firm, firm in your commitment to Him and firm upon His word. the times ahead don’t seem easy but at least we have the encouragement and support of one another in His body.

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6 thoughts on “an old diary entry

  1. Incredible post. It’s amazing when we look back and see what the Lord has done in our hearts and is still doing today. This is a very encouraging post as is the call to be firm in our commitment. Thanks.
    Have a blessed weekend
    timbob

  2. I always thought there is some sort of scientific basis for astrology. magnetic fields and stuff. They determine some of your characteristics form birth. Predisposition, perhaps. But because God gave us free wills and minds we can also sort of break or bend that field and become something shaped by our environment, experinces, choices etc.
    i don’t htink it’s satan’s word, lol it’s just a weakness some people have, believing that their horoscopes are an absolute; and then satan spots that weakness and then he steps in to fool around… *heebie jeebies*
    There are plenty of Christian prophecies (as far as my Catholic faith goes) that have proven true eg the attempted assassination of the late Pope John Paul II but mostly i think with astrology it’s either coincidence or self-fulfiling prophcies. hah :p

  3. Nope, not Buddhist. Still very much Christian, albeit disillusioned with organized religion, mass market spirituality, and church politics.

    So, while it might not be right to say that we are not on the same side, I’d say we’re probably on different ends of the same side.

    I’ve a renewed interest in metaphysics though. It’s a party trick that chicks seem to dig. Plus, palm reading is the easiest way to ask to hold a girl’s hand. 8D

  4. Christ didn’t come for the healthy but to heal the sick (physically, emotionally, spiritually and morally). your concepts of organised religion, mass market spirituality and church politics, will you not accept that it is precisely the fallen nature of man that you’re jaded with?

    yet can we perhaps, look within ourselves and ask if we have any part in it and engage in what is non-christian to begin with?

    ‘”Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? ‘ Matthew 7:3

    And there are no 2 ends of the same camp. in the spiritual realm, there is no vacuum – only good or evil. and only He will judge at the end of the day.

    “So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.” Rev 3:16

    I have a long overdued blog entry on the new age. it seems like a good time to invest that time into that right now.

  5. You know, there are quite a few things I’d say in response, but I cannot do so without becoming the very people I abhor.

    And at the end of the day, it’s your Walk, not mine. And my walk is not yours.

    If you have found your peace, I wish you well.

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