when 2 becomes 1

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When I was 11, I wanted a pretty two-toned ELLE schoolbag, much like the one every popular girl in the school had. I ended up having 2 (a pink haversack and a lime green messenger one) and was mighty pleased with myself.When we were around 14, all of us secretly yearn for a boyfriend with no real reason. Or it could be the same sort of yearning like that for the ELLE bag – as an epitome of pride and ownership, and basically an accessory to show off. Or maybe an external elaboration of the self ego (if you got yourself a pretty decent looking chap). Or a security pillar of sorts, that makes one above the lesser beings (ie those without a partner).

A serious (or pure wishful thinking on my part it may be) relationship and a very broken heart later, I start wondering what does it really mean to be hitched, what’s with seeing everybody around me tying the knot or getting engaged. Whoever said that Singaporeans are getting married later? I’ve got a whole bunch of people here to prove the national stats tardy (or maybe that’s the whole purpose of their marriages). Either that or I’m a darn magnet with these people. Jolly good indeed.

With another birthday coming up (and secretly having harbored the wish of having my first kid at this present age), it gets me wondering if I will be left on the shelf at the end of the day. But then again, am I even mature enough to understand what marriage really means? Do most of us anyway?

Seems like the couples I’ve asked so far have various answers to what being married means . A friend has the notion that getting married is like giving the relationship a whole new lease of life – doing new things together, living together, and all the –together stuff. Another views it as a spiritual journey together that is purposeful, singleminded, to meet what is required of them as their goal in life (set by our Big Daddy). Others see it simply as another stage in their life to fulfill, a form of achievement and that which is not fulfilled makes you less of a person than you already are.
any missing checks from the set list of must-achieves makes you a lesser person.

It is a lie if I say that all these people don’t affect me. It is dishonest if I were to say that all these early marriages around me isn’t giving me pressure or making me pause to rethink what relationships mean to me at this point in time. This chain of events provoked in me a search to understand what marriage really means. To me. And to God, when he assigned Eve to Adam at the beginning of time.

If somebody was to propose to me today, do I even know if that is what I want? A lot of girls (I reckon me included) would like to settle down at the end of the day. Partly cos we’d simply love to be pampered and have a place to call our very own home. I had somebody who professed his undying love to me and claimed he wants to marry me. But then, I realized that he claimed that to any girl that he is with. If somebody was to propose to me today, will I even take him seriously?

I guess a lot of us are fighting within ourselves with what we want versus what others want versus what others want of us. These are all lumped into the mudpool and we struggle to find out, truly, what WE want. I say let me think about what marriage really means first before I should have any considerations about it. It should not be just a pretty image in my head with no inkling of what responsibilities, commitments and accountability it comes with. No, it ain’t just about a diamond ring, ladies.

Till when I have the answers.

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