Experiencing mild bouts of depression these few days. After months of elated joy and just joy in Him, feel bogged down once again with emotions. The complexity of human relations. The bitter sweetness of surrender. The toughness of making hard decisions….and sticking through with them. And everything coming altogether at once.

This song came to my heart in the midst of it all…sneakily crept in against a backdrop of torrents of emotions.

Soon and very soon, all these will be over too and joy, oh blissful, eternal Joy will we be united with.

It is so easy to let my heart be troubled when all that is required of me, is to make a decision and stick with it.

Oh how my heart is prone to worry, anxiety and confusion. To quote Hillsong’s I Will Exalt You, ‘because You are with me, I will not fear’.

That’s my take-home liner for this season.

8 Dec 09, around 1pm

I had an epiphany the other day. Taking half a day off work to go see my career counselor, I took a walk down Orchard Road, along a pathway I’ve never taken before, just cos I was feeling particularly adventurous that day.

The grass seems greener, the trees alot shadier, and there were definitely less people taking that path. Nice. All my years of being a Singaporean, I’ve never taken that side of the road before and it was my first time. Truly.

There I was, just lalala-ing, happy to take a slow stroll along busy Orchard Road in this festive season, just slowing down my thoughts, and being thankful for everything in general. I could see I was approaching a crossing ahead, where cars don’t seem to stop, and a lady just waiting out at the junction, and she’s been there for a while.

Oh no. It’s gonna take me a while to cross that road too and it doesn’t look like an easy one with all these cars coming at that kinda speed. But I thought to myself, but hey, I’m just gonna keep walking. And I did.

In my limited vision, this is all I can see:

But hey I’ll just keep walking right? And then it became clearer to me:

The very moment I saw the traffic light crossing, I had an epiphany. Even though it seems like a really small thing, just a tiny episode of a mundane every day, yet I had an epiphany in the midst of all that. I was thinking how perhaps it was stupid to take that road that I’m not even familiar with, that perhaps I should have taken a path I’m familiar with, that would guarantee me getting to my destination But I decided to try something new, and maybe something new wasn’t that great after all. But even when I saw that woman waiting at the road, I felt God telling me to just keep walking, just keep walking…and I could see why only at I had visibility to see why.

It was an epiphany because I AM at a place where I’m just in the pits of confusion, choices and uncertainty and I know He knows it. And I know He’s just telling me to keep walking and keep walking forward. Despite all that I feel, just keep the faith and keep walking forward and that I will come to a point where things are much clearer, and I will be able to walk on with eyes wide open.

Now I just need to keep the faith that I will be able to recognise that point when I reach it.

that my Father in heaven owns the world,
that all resources belong to Him,
and that it’s up to Him to give
and take as He pleases.

I bank too much on my own plans
the path I think I should take
base on who I am, where I am, what I am
instead of who He made me to be
what He has taught me so far
what He has equipped me with
and that He sets His eyes on things
much further than my own human eyes.

I forget what prayers I can utter
that will move His heart
uncover His plans for me
and unveil my deepest desires for more of Him.

I forget about the power of my words
the same power He used when He spoke this world that we see
into being.

I forget that He made all the lilies and clothe them in richness,
provides the sparrows with food and a resting place.

I forget because time and again,
I shortchanged Him; put him against my own measuring tape
of who He is.

But the King of kings, the Lord of lords, the Maker of heaven and earth
is vast beyond measures,
so foreign to my human eyes and intellect
and frequently boxed up in my foolish mind
is my poor understanding of He.

***

Inspired by these words of Leonora Whitaker Wood, mother of Catherine Marshall, to a boy named Raymond:
“Raymond, Whatever you need, God has a supply of it ready for you, provided you are ready to receive it. What seems impossible for you is entirely possible for God. Ours is still a land of opportunity, Ray. The sky is the limit! Money – what’s money? Money should be the slave, not the master, of every dream that’s right for you, every dream for which you’re willing to work.”

This is how I imagine it to be sometimes, being a child of God in pain, and how He is there behind us all the time.

If I knew my history, what would that be?

Singapore is a migrant island, a growing fishing village when our forefathers came from various parts of Asia. My grandparents came from China so that makes me a 3rd generation Singaporean. Knowing where my grandparents came from gave me no further insight into my heritage, the roots of my own culture. When I was in school, I was taught that Singapore’s administrative language is English. My dad used to tell people how much of an influence the English language is here in Singapore by the fact that I went to school without knowing a single English word and graduated from University with a BA with double majors in English Literature and European Studies. Though I studied the history of China, I still knew little of my heritage. My spoken mother tongue is, smattering, at best, these days. Not proud of that; it sure calls for improvement.

I found myself unable to connect with my past, or understand what my grandparents went through in their days. In fact, from young, I found myself having trouble communicating with them beyond certain superficial conversations. The Speak Mandarin campaign implemented in 1979 (before I was born) was our government’s way of ensuring effective communications through the use of Mandarin, instead of our many dialects. I likened it to Emperor Qin Shi Huang’s unification of China through the common Chinese script which we have today. I could understand bits and pieces of my own dialect but am unable to speak it. Being educated in Mandarin, whereas my grandparents knew their dialects better further set a wedge in our communications. How am I to know my own roots if I am unable to communicate with my grandparents? Many of my generation have trouble communicating with their grandparents and for me, it’s more recent times that I know I need to put in more effort to polish up my Mandarin, so that I can communicate with my grandma, the last of my grandparents.

What do we have in Singapore that reflects our culture? As one who has travelled to other countries within Asia and Europe, I realise that even if I were to be away from Singapore for only a week, I would return to find roadworks at a road I normally travel on, or a new building will be in its formative stage, possibly being completed within a year or two. Things in Singapore move so fast. It’s great for the economy, my dad would say. I agree, but for the sentimental side of a regular human being like me, I can’t help but wonder if we might have taken away what is truly important, where we tear down things in too much of a haste and when we realise what we have lost, it’s too late to regret.

In my travels, I have seen countries rich in culture. Some buildings have been there practically forever and tour guides can fondly recount to any tourist the deep meanings of a statue, monument or symbolic meaning of a building and what they stood for. I’m not sure I can do the same as much in Singapore. After all we are a pretty young nation too. I am truly amazed by some who can trace their ancestry way back like this guy. He even knows he came from the Levites even though he’s in Salford, Lancashire now! I say, that’s pretty amazing

If I could trace my ancestral history, what would it look like? I suspect my forefathers would have been in China for many centuries. What before that? When I chanced upon the National Geographic Human Genome Project, I was totally hyped. Are we truly able to trace back on where we first came from? I’m a big fan of supporting research findings because I think that through science, we come closer to the Truth, not further.

Does my ancestral heritage define me and who I am? Who am I? Fundamental question that every thinking person would have considered at one point in their life, I’m guessing. Why do I like what I like, and hate what I hate? Why do I naturally get along with some people and have to try so much harder at other relationships? What defines me? This is probably a question we will continuously ask ourselves for the years of ours lives to come.

***

My heritage, who I am…..this is a moment where I take some time out to ask that again, and get some answers. I need to take little selah from my journey and listen to that still small voice and humbly ask where I am to go from here. We’re constantly on a journey to discovering the full person that He made us to be, and we’re called to be a good steward by fully developing the talents He has given us (Matthew 25:14-29). I think I’ve spent enough time NOT developing everything He has given me. The past 5 years has been truly an exciting time of discovery, sorta like a little girl who finally found her hidden treasure after a long hunt and is immersing herself completely in it every minute thereafter. In my search for answers, I have done all the research I could, spoken to all the wise counsels (Proverbs 15:22) I can think of at this point, for a clearer direction of the way to undertake. I’ve come to a point where I realise that I’ve been so focused on doing and doing, where I should take time out to be still. How will I know when the bush is burning if I am too busy hunting all over the place for answers? Why am I looking for all the answers when I know God wants to speak to me, personally? It is as if I feel like I owe people answers, reasons, explanations and I don’t know why I feel that way. Perhaps it’s just something I need to ignore altogether for now and just focus on hearing that small still voice of His. That being said, I still wanna thank everybody I’ve spoken to, who has taken the time to clarify my doubts, my questions, and deal with my incessant confusion If you even wonder for a tiny bit ‘is it me?’, yes it’s you. THANK YOU. But now I need to retreat, to take time to be just me, before Him.

How am I to know my heritage, who I am, apart from Him who made me? I sense it in the wind – a new season approaches and perhaps a place of new discoveries, exciting beginnings, and a step closer to the Promised Land.

13 Oct 09, 6.30pm

In the deep slumber
of the first winter morn,
a fur clad being
in white
knocked upon my door.

Gently, he grabbed my hands
held fast to his face.

Not a word.
Just a familiar smile.

His breath on my face.

Wisps of smoke with every breath.
A little moment, a little hope, then gone.

His goodbye forever.

Anthem. Dictionary.com says it means,

1. a song, as of praise, devotion, or patriotism: the national anthem of Spain; our college anthem.

2. a piece of sacred vocal music, usually with words taken from the Scriptures.

3. a hymn sung alternately by different sections of a choir or congregation.

***

That word came as a whisper and was impressed on my heart just out of the blue. I remember that day. It was just a few days prior to the Young Methodist Leaders’ Conference 2009 (YMLC) that I attended over 5 – 7 September at Pulai Springs, Johor Bahru, Malaysia. Anthem. I was at the bus stop after work, waiting for the public to come and take me home and then wham, it just came upon me like that. It meant little to me at that point in time.

Then came YMLC and 2 of the songs selected by the worship teams (from various churches for different service times) had the word ‘anthem’ in it. I’ve hardly noticed any worship songs with that word in it, and I’m not super familiar with these 2 songs. The songs are ‘All Majesty’ and ‘I Adore’. They charmed my heart obviously, egged on by what was earlier placed upon my heart.

What does the word ‘anthem’ even mean to me then, you might ask? I’ve no idea. But when the word crept stealthily into my vocabulary once again, I know my heart soars with my King’s anthem. His Kingdom’s anthem. His songs of praise, songs that glorify His name.

I remember that familiar Isaiah passage, where God sent Isaiah the prophet to be His mouthpiece to the people,

“And I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?” Then I said, “Here am I! Send me.” – Isaiah 6:8-9 And truly here I am, waving to Him, in avail. I know He knows my heart, my deepest passions and I know this time, however long it will be, where I am right now is an essential time of equipping me, discovery of my giftings and talents, learning submission and waiting.

Waiting.

I’m not sure what exactly sparked off such a topic title. I doubt I’m even going to think too much about it. Having come home from a family dinner, where my little cousin is back from London (1st year law student), the discussion at the table is no longer all about my dad sharing his big ideas with everybody – it has included her sharing her big ideas with the rest of us.

Traditionally, at big family dinners, my dad loves to share his opinions about politics – what works and what doesn’t. His favourites are on the political climate of Singapore, China and Taiwan, sometimes as compared to those that are more democratic like the US. Seems like now, my dad has a new person to jostle his political debates with at dinner tables. It’s pretty refreshing, seeing my cousin share her ideologies, perceptions, opinions, yet at the same time I was wondering how much that will make the world we live in a better place, the humanity that we share, to be more humane. The philosophical me, perhaps, never quite saw the value of contributing to discussions on politics because there is no definite solution, and every debate will have to rest on a balancing point (and constantly try to reach that balancing point), as both views will have its pros and cons. On the other hand, the deeper philosophical part of me is always trying to delve into the core issue of the problem(s) that we face, and how to unravel the knots from there.

Is a good government the solution to humanity’s fundamental problems? Is democracy the answer, or socialism, or a balancing blend of the both? I don’t see a government in the world that nobody rants at, whether good or bad (how one chooses to define it is highly subjective too). What are our main complaints and gripes? Let’s try this from another perspective of what we expect a government to solve. What are the fundamental problems humanity faces? Poverty, social injustice strike a certain chord in me. It is hard to ignore, that there is something fundamentally wrong in the world, and no matter how we ignore it, it’s aching in our very bones.

“The heart of the human problem is the problem of the human heart.” J. John

The problem of sin is deeply etched in our very being. It’s evident in the way we hate the people we love to hate, the horrible ways we relate to the people we say we love, and more pervasively the things we should hate we are drawn to, the things we ought not to think, we think about.

What are the problems we face today? Divisions at home, divorce, divisions even within the church – people problems. The fundamental problem with humanity is sin. The above quote truly sums up what I feel, and explains my, through the years, inability to contribute to dinner table debates (saw no solution to debates, should get down to root problem instead, says my analytical mind). As anything, government, corporation, management, work out the kinks in order to strive towards perfection, time nor evolution has done nothing to help us improve. Nobody can claim a perfect government structure, management system. Is that any indicator about how far humanity has progressed? I’m not sure. Have we given our people better lives, or through solutions, created new issues and problems instead? Maybe the right question to ask is, does all that we try to do, the enforcement of laws and policies by a government, deal with the fundamental problem of the human heart? Ummmm, I doubt it.

My favourite Author inspired a man to write this in history, that “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” in Romans 3:23. Perfection is etched upon our hearts and we know, we ache for it. All of us spend our entire lives, one way or another searching for it. It can be found. It has already been found. If this truth is presented to you, are you open enough to receive it? Look at your life, your own journey. Consider how short it really is, and do what truly matters.

Felt a little old for the youth conference organised by New Creation Church where they brought in Hillsong United but I know that no adventure is ever a lost cause when you’re doing it for the Kingdom of God. For one, it’s awesome seeing young people energised for God, seeing them pray spontaneously for one another, seeking first His Kingdom before anything else. I see faces that are still growing and have not fully formed to be the man or woman that God destined them to be. So many young faces, so many individual, bright futures. It’s gonna be exciting times for them and me being the older youth, hopefully be able to find a way to guide them in areas where I myself have fallen trap to.

Actually as much as I’ve been cruising at work, I think I’ve been cruising in my faith. I’ve been feeling a little dried out, stagnant, stale, and getting a little mouldy. The Word doesn’t seem to fresh anymore and it feels like the same drill over and over again. Spiritual alarm bells will indicate some sin in my life but I couldn’t discern any that were grave enough to put me in such a state.

Then came Ps Judah Smith from City Church, Seattle speaking on Luke 7:12-15

“As he drew near to the gate of the town, behold, a man who had died was being carried out, the only son of his mother, and she was a widow, and a considerable crowd from the town was with her. And when the Lord saw her, he had compassion on her and said to her, “Do not weep.” Then he came up and touched the bier, and the bearers stood still. And he said, “Young man, I say to you, arise.” And the dead man sat up and began to speak, and Jesus gave him to his mother.”

Although the point that Smith was trying to draw out was on compromises in our lives (not elaborated in this post), the pointed personal message to me was about lost hope. The widow, who lost her husband and now her husband, must have been terribly lonely. She would not have considered that her son would come back to life again should this chance encounter with Jesus (in her perspective probably) not have occurred. All hope was lost. I mean, how often does the dead come back to life? When things die, they just die. But in her case, her son was brought back to life. In a sense, hope was renewed.

I guess what took place inside of me was a minuscule bit of renewed hope. Hope in hope. Hope in a future, a good one, one that He will provide, that He will prepare me for. So there it is. My lack of faith in Him surfaces again and it appears in such mundane ways, but it’s true and it’s there, real as my palm in front of my face. At least I now recognise it and can combat it.

Reminds me of the day, quite recently, where I wrestled with God in the middle of the night and my heart revealed my lack of trust in His way of planning my life out for me. But I knew better after the wrestle with Him. God only wants to reveal my truest heart of hearts before Him and hide nothing.