Quite frankly, Michael Jackson is the last person I would imagine to be the inspiration behind a blog post of mine. I’ve never been much of a fan, though I’m certain his music is great and many love him for that. Maybe it’s cos he’s just kind of distant in my world – not like I know much about him anyway. I’ve always felt a deep loneliness in him though, and a great hunger for love, but that can be said of anybody, but perhaps more so for him, since we know his life more publicly than the next guy in the office cubicle sometimes.

Maybe it’s cos I was in a cab with a friend yesterday and something in the tone of her voice moved me. She talked about Michael Jackson, how his childhood can have such an impact on the rest of his life, and that some people grow up with such dysfunctional families that they are unable to find commonality with the average folk. It’s true. I can’t imagine being in one every second, every minute, for extended period of time. It must really get under your skin and make you who you are. I know hers was pretty dysfunctional so I know what kind of mood she is in.

I guess it made me realise something too. That at some point in time in our life, whether for a short or extended frame of time, we were all victimised by somebody, a circumstance, or incident. It’s how when we choose to acknowledge its power over us and our lives, that we can make a choice on our part to walk free from it. “You will know the Truth, and the Truth will set you free.” John 8:32. I quoted this once, in a private letter, never knowing that I was quoting from the greatest deity-man ever to walk the earth.

Have you ever met people who are self-defeating? They speak more about their past glories than their present passions. They speak as if their days of honour have passed them over and they’re just smoothing over life. Death is spoken into their thoughts and into their hearts, and they fail to recognise it. They know they have the choice to walk from all that but don’t pick themselves up to do it.

Do you realise that you’re the only one who can exercise that choice, pick yourself up, and walk free from it? Nobody else can make that choice for you. And nobody can change everything else so that you can remain in status quo. Sometimes, you just gotta bite the bullet and do that.

Alot of things around us can scream the opposite. Stay in your comfort zone, the sinister whisper may come. It’s useless to try and fight your fate and the family you’re born into, that same voice may tell you. I know that voice too well – sometimes it’s like a surround sound system that comes at you at every attack from every corner and you have no place to cower into except your own little cave. Trapped, yet safe.

There used to be times where Michael Jackson appeared in the news, mostly the tabloids, and I’d wonder how this man can stand his life. I always secretly thought that he’d end his life someday because it’s such a torment (though God forbids). Why do I say that? There are massive amounts of criticism against him and he can’t seem to do anything right in the eyes of the media. Everybody has something to say about him; so many people mock him. Even in his death, people can’t stop the cruel jokes from coming in, at his expense. I cannot imagine a life like that, and I’m thinking it must be really painful, deeply, painfully lonely, but I’m also guessing that he found his own way of shutting out all these noises in his life, a way to retreat to his safe little cave, to shut out the surround sound of hurting words and criticism. He chose to live, chose to make his music, chose to give the very best of his life. For that, I take my hat off to him.

Sometimes we just gotta find out own way of shutting up the voice that doesn’t come from the Lord. The enemy knows how to train our own inner voices sometimes, and our own soul continues the work of the enemy. We need to find our own way of quenching it, stilling it, and eventually kill it altogether. Cling on dearly to what the good Lord promises, for He never fails to give, in His own way, and in His time. That’s how I stick to simple assurances.

I’ve seen this video before on youtube and it’s an inspiration just watching it again. This is the first time I’m watching this expanded version though. Check it out.

All of us want to hear God in a personal way. It is not impossible but He does want us to be still before Him in order to hear Him. Not that He is deliberately soft, but that we’re simply too cluttered with work, day to day busyness, entertainment, our other loves, sometimes even our persistent, whiny voices of the flesh.

I’ve been afraid to say yes to God lately. It’s just this thing called bad experience. Thought I heard God, said yes yet couldn’t decide, sat on the fence all the way. Then again, I probably didn’t strain my ears enough to hear God then. Probably heard the mosquitoes or something and then said yes to that. In any case, I’m trying to filter my own thoughts, observation of my situations and fleshly attempts to size things up and determine what God wants to do in my life.

God, just do as You will, not my will but Yours.

I just need a word from you, Lord. I know it’s not too much to ask. Something that will hit me right over.

1. My travel plans were disrupted. Was at crossroad of life. My passions got ignited. My desires to study aflamed once again. Coincidence?
2. Shared my desire to study. 3 people brought up a study course all within a span of a month (or less). Coincidence? And sort of had an affirmation.
3. Pastor brought out his half-baked song and said he wrote it, after his sermon last month. How would he know? Something I need to hear at that precise point?
4. Finances don’t look to be a big issue. God has been showing me and preparing my anxious heart on His provision. Been speaking to me about making decisions too cos I’ve been dragging my feet on this.

Just a Word from you, Lord, is all I need. Nothing says it’s from You the way Your Word does.

Hmm if I ever become a teacher I guess I may need to adopt this dress sense. Who else loves finding out more about themselves?

free enneagram test

I’ve been thinking alot lately that life has come to some kind of crossroad for me to decide where to go forth next when I received this emailer from Today God Is First. Sometimes I wonder if I’m giving Jesus my everything and letting Him take over. Some days yes. Some days no. If I have to filter through the millions of things that fly through my head in a single day, I doubt I’m giving Him everything completely all the time. These questions probed further thinking and it reminds me about something that Neil Anderson wrote in Victory Over Darkness; that fear is faith in the devil, people or yourself.

“Have you feared Jesus because of what He might require of you? Have you feared that He might ask of you something you are not prepared to give? Do not let your fears drive Him from your presence. His motive is always love for His children. You can trust Him.”

I’m praying about a possible big change next year and am still praying for His clear direction on it. Would you pray for me too?

“I am made to worship.” – Darlene Zschech

That line lingers in my heart. Without a song in my heart or just whispers of prayers to my lovely One, I feel a little lack in His presence, yet songs are not the end all, be all.

A song communicates the season of my heart, speaks volumes in the succinct essence of what the lyrics say, sums up the condition of my soul at times.

Be lifter higher in the circumstances that I face, cos You’re bigger, stronger and You’re in ultimate control.

I, too, am made to worship.

I had another 111 relevation in my prayer life today. Did I ever share how 111 seems to speak quite a bit into my life? For the past few days, I’ve been agonising and wrestling with God about His plans for me in terms of where I can best be of service to Him. I struggle with who He made me to be, who He wants me to be, and having the courage to live that out for Him, whatever it takes.

This morning’s devotion, Scripture assured me: “In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will…” Ephesians 1:11. It wasn’t until I decided to share it with Az over MSN that it occurred to me that 111 surfaced once again. Wow. Another 111 in my life that will hold me fast to His promises. I know He has placed certain God-given desires in me that will work out into His grand plan and I just need to trudge forward bravely.

A 111 that I took photo of while in Melbourne (I’m trying to revive my near-dead Flickr account). I’ll remember you, heed you where ever I go, Lord.

P/S I heart brick walls. Just one of those random things that makes a girl’s heart swoon over.

Place: Office (oops)
Time: 11am

He showered my heart
with drops of Love
a garden, shy at first,
even resistant;
slowly but surely
blossoming to fullest.
His desire, my heart.

My Lover and my God
Lover of my soul
gentle and tender.
He tends to
the garden of my heart.

Love so delicate and nourishing,
A Love that draws me out;
A Love that builds.
Love delights in me.

I had to catch a flight back to Sydney from Melbourne today for the Colour Conference and dear S took the City Circle tram with me to Southern Cross Station to catch the coach to Avalon.

We only had 30 minutes in total to do that, plus waiting time.

I’ve got this thing about time and I get anxious if I run late. Today was one of those days, what more it’s about catching a flight.

We had to run for the City Circle tram, which came just in time, and the road crossing light changed just in time for us to get on it (with S exclaiming ‘Thank God!!!!’).

By the time we got off the tram, we only had 5 minutes to run down a distance (mind you, it looked quite a bit of distance with a trolley luggage and big backpack!) to a station where we had to figure which coach goes to Avalon.

We only made it in the nick of time, where I boarded last and had absolutely no breath, a very dry mouth from huffing and panting, and lungs on fire.

I admit. I did wonder at some point earlier on if I should have just saved myself an ease of mind by taking a cab. Just so I don’t have to make a mad rush, just so I don’t have to be anxious about time management. But God probably had that all figured out and S could see that much better when the tram first came in a timely fashion. I must say, He can be real cool at times

Mustard seed of faith, wherefore art thou? Those giants must fall before I can see the hand of God move in my life. I may not see what can take place 1 hour, 1 week, 1 year ahead of time, but God is already there, ahead of me.

“Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they?” Matthew 6:26

D said I brought the rain with me to Sydney. Not a single drop when I landed, but it was drizzling when I got out to the arrival hall. Call me the goddess of great harvest (of course I’m kidding).

Glad to get a lift, and happy to be able to stay at a mate’s!

Now I need to get a shot of him in leggings for A, with my new pink camera.

It gladdens my heart to see men blog about spiritual growth. Their own. Along with the struggles of living up to what they believe in and practically living out the faith. I’ve been reading blog such as timbob and hikerdude and am glad to see there is hope in our Christian men. Thanks brothers. Often, the ones I’ve met seem reluctant to live out their faith, or fun first, faith later, or those who liken being childlike in Jesus to being immature and irresponsible, hence refusing to grow up.

Is there hope in our Christian brothers? I’m heartened to see that those in my own small group are consistent in their faith, aligned in thoughts and deeds. As far as I can see anyway but I do hold them in high regard. Thank you brothers, for showing us girls what men ought to be like! To take lead, take charge, and protect the dames, not hurt them, for being responsible in words and in deeds.

I met up with a gal friend yesterday, who no longer wholeheartedly subscribe to God’s call for us to ‘equally yoked’ in an exclusive relationship with the other sex. Her reasons? It is precisely the Christian men we have to be wary of, those who prey on women by hopping from church to church. Those who are really wolves but know the exact fit of sheep’s clothing to wear, to behave. Her conclusion? Christian men are no better than nonbelievers. Sometimes even worse. She has a nonbelieving friend, divorced, who goes out with married men, one of whom is a pastor.

Men, are you in church for the right reasons? Do you know your God-given responsibilities as men?

Does that sharing scare me? I’d be lying if I say no. Does that make me lose hope in the faith or God? Definitely no.

“Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him, For the help of His presence.” Psalm 42:5

Fact is, every man has the potential to fail us women. Pastor, pastor’s son, holy man, yogi, whatever! We all need God, and we all need His strength to go on in our journey. Nobody can claim to be holier or be seen to be holier except Jesus. All of us fall way short of His glory.

Ultimately, we will come to a place where we’re in an exclusive relationship simply cos we want to give, and to see the other person grow in faith, the same way as our Father chose to give sacrificially, unconditionally to us. A love that is not hindered by the fear that this person will fail us, nor see his faith as an instrument of control for his fallen nature and behaviour.

Our faith doesn’t control us – it liberates us to love, and not hurt too much when others fail us.